


In Short - Not Dead.

by holmesian_love



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, M/M, Non detailed discussion of death/suicide., Post-Reichenbach, Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:29:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22154050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holmesian_love/pseuds/holmesian_love
Summary: Sherlock arriving at the restaurant after his "death" and John's reaction. Emotions are unraveled in this Post Reichenbach reunion/fix.
Relationships: Johnlock, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Comments: 20
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Literally first ever attempt and posting. Be gentle!
> 
> Huge thanks to SherlockWatson_Holmes for the support and help in getting me started! Big love.

"In short - not dead." And there he was, just standing there in front of me like it was just another day.

Even though I was so angry, I felt it. Deep down in a place I had long ignored. That warm glow that he always brought out of me. The sight of his face again, looking down at me with that intense glare and a hint of a sparkle in his eye. It was the very thing I had secretly yearned for. How many times had I prayed for just this? For a good twelve months after he was gone, I would sit and picture this face, his eyes, his voice in the sheer hope that I could will him back into existence. But he never answered that plea. I had to get my heart beating again and move on before the grief and the madness swallowed me up.

Now here I was, sitting across the table from Mary, so beautiful and so in love with me, and god help me I still wished she was someone else. I loved her, no doubt. But she didn’t light a fire in me the way my consulting detective had done. I have become a new John - a less exciting and more sensible John -about to propose and move forward with my life. But now, here he is. Like every wish had come true finally. My best friend. Standing in front of me looking so happy. 

I could see he thought this was a top-notch joke and that we should all be laughing along with him. One part of me wanted to just grab him and kiss him wildly – to let him know I was so happy to see him. The thought surprised and frightened me a little if I’m honest with myself. We had never gone there together. I doubt very much he ever even thought of me that way. He certainly never let on if he did. It was a secret I kept very carefully hidden and had tried very hard to let go of after he was gone, in fear that people would realize my grief was far too much for just a friend, even a best friend. No, I couldn’t let anyone see that. Especially not Sherlock Holmes.

As usual, my anger won out first. This man I loved and trusted as a friend had not trusted me with this huge secret. He had left me in the dark for so long and allowed me to grieve his death for two years. Part of me died with him. I never thought I would be myself again. How could I explain to him that it took every last ounce of my being to crawl back out of the hole of despair his death had put me into? My mind was rippling with so many emotions, all I could do was stare at him, fume at him while he babbled on. He made a joke. Something about my mustache – another attempt at being new and different. I wasn’t really listening. My mind was buzzing, my ears ringing. People talk about out of body experiences and I’m pretty sure that’s what I was having at this point. Like everything had become slightly fuzzy.

Finally I snap and drag him to the ground in anger. Had we not been in a restaurant I may very well have ended up violently kissing him instead. But it was easier to get the anger out of the way. I could throttle him right here in front of everyone. In front of Mary. Maybe I could kill him properly this time. I knew that wasn’t true, but the thought keeps me from doing anything I would regret.


	2. Chapter 2

Mary takes me home. I can’t speak any more to him right now. I lay awake all night thinking about him. So many thoughts and questions racing through my mind. My fist throbbing and stained with his blood. It reminds me of the blood on the concrete. Obviously that was fake, which just fuels my anger further. But my mind constantly comes back to his face. His eyes. My pulse racing. I am restless. On the one hand I don’t want to know any more about how or why, but then again, I can’t stop the thoughts taking over my head. I am angry. I get out of bed and go straight to the bathroom and shave off the mustache that he so clearly doesn’t like. Could I see him again without strangling him? I knew I must.


	3. Chapter 3

At Baker Street, he welcomes me inside and after a quick perfunctory hello to Mrs Hudson, we entered our old sitting room, unsettling the old dust that clings to everything in the room still. Sitting in our usual spots as if no time had passed. All I can do is stare at him. He at least has the decency to look sheepish and realize he perhaps has something to atone for. But neither of us can speak. We were always so good at communicating with just a look, but now I long for him to speak. Finally he breaks the silence.

“You shaved it off then?” He pitches it in the hope of making a joke to break the ice.

“Hmmm” I hum in a non-committal way. I do not want to make this easy for him.

“John… I…” He hesitates and then looks down at his lap, as if unable to look me in the eye. 

“You could have told me” I say quietly – almost a whisper, to help him along. “One word was all I would have needed”.

“Sorry” his eyes are genuine. He understands that now is not the time for his usual acidic humor. Now is not the time to make light of things. He can clearly see it in my face.

“I just don’t understand” I say, sadly.

“John.” He pleads. “Moriarty was going to kill you. You, Lestrade, Mrs Hudson – all the people that mattered to me. He had snipers at the ready. There was no way I could let him win.”

“Oh so it was a competition then? You wanted to beat him? And what then? You won? So I’m supposed to drop it?!” My voice starts to rise with emotion.

“No, that’s not what I meant. What I mean to say is…”

“Yes?” I glare at him, the anger building again. “What do you mean then, hmm?” Damn why can’t I stay calm? “Do tell me what the great detective really thinks.” I’m openly mocking him now and I can’t stop myself.

“I couldn’t let him take you away!” He bursts out.

That silences me. I was not expecting that from him. I sit back blinking as if this will process the words better.

“I needed you to be safe and free of any suspicion. I knew if anything went wrong with my fake… suicide, you would be cleared of any involvement.”

“Well that’s very forthright of you.” I say with a huff.

“John…”

“No, no. That’s just brilliant, Sherlock.” For a brief moment I pause. That is the first time in years I have even said his name aloud. It feels strange on my tongue. A word I had once said so often, so comfortably, so affectionately, had been banished for a good year or more. Locked away safely. All part of moving on. It startles me, hearing myself say it again after so long. His eyes pin me to my spot, noticing the pause in my tirade and already I can see him analyzing me, figuring out what is going on in my mind. I carry on before he can come to any conclusions. 

“You wanted to save me, so you left me to suffer for two years before you just appear out of thin air?” I couldn’t stop my voice rising. God John, stay calm! My fists clenching and unclenching. I haven’t done that for years. Not in fact, since Sherlock has been gone. 

“In fairness, it made more sense in my head than when you say it out loud like that.” He said sheepishly. Less in arrogance and more as his version of an apology but that only makes me more infuriated.

“I was at your grave!”

“I know. I was there too” That stops me and I feel a slight blush rise up my cheeks – he was there listening.

“Brilliant. Just brilliant” I stand now and begin pacing the room to walk out the anger that is clawing back up my neck raising the hairs as I feel the heat increase. Did he not realize? Did he not know how much he meant to me and how much this hurt? How much I had suffered not knowing? And more, that he couldn’t trust me in the first place after everything we had been through? How could someone so amazing and insightful to everyone else, not see me?

“John, calm down. For heaven’s sake! Mycroft thought it best…”

“Oh great, so you planned this? Behind my back? With your brother!” I spat, more sour than intended. “Let’s torture my friend John for a lark? Is that it?”

“For god’s sake John! You know me better than that! I thought I was protecting you!” He shouts

“By lying?!” I scream without thinking. “God, Sherlock! Why can’t you see…? Don’t you know…?” I let my words trail off, the heat rising in my cheeks with embarrassment that I am betraying a secret long kept. I can’t find the right words to say what I need to say. Without saying what I don’t want to say. What I can’t say.


	4. Chapter 4

He raises his eyebrows and stops what he was about to say mid intake of breath, to study me more closely, the way only he knows how. Squinting his eyes in scrutiny. He is in work mode now, investigating my mannerisms and demeanor to figure out my behavior. I straighten my shoulders as if that is going to hide anything.

“You’re upset.” he says matter- of-factly. Not a question. “More than that. You are embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed, John?”

“Not embarrassed,” I avoid eye contact, clearing my throat and still pacing, giving him a sideways glance as I move to ensure he isn’t deducing anymore and cringing internally at how guilty I sound.

“Yes you are. You are embarrassed to tell me something. What is it?”

I stop pacing and glance at him now, he’s really watching me closely now. Finally I relax my shoulders and slump back in my chair.

“Sherlock. When you…. left.” I pause and swallow at the euphemism. My face betraying me as emotions move across it. “When you left, it ended me. Everything stopped. Can you understand?”

“I don’t understand John. Why should it affect you so much? You are not needlessly emotional. I imagined you just would move on after…”  
I let out a huff of air, shaking my head at his lack of understanding. Of course he would think that.

“This place,” I look around at the room again for the first time properly since we had come in and close my eyes tight to imagine how it used to be. “This became my whole world. Before you, I had nothing. Spending my every day with you was the happiest I had ever been. Solving crimes. All of it. Just being around you. I loved everything about it, especially...” I trail off. When I open my eyes again, he has moved out of his chair and is standing right in front of me. Mouth gaping. Eyes searching for clues.

“John. I hadn’t thought...” he says quietly. His eyes are sad as he looks at me. “I honestly didn’t think about after. About what it might do to you. I only thought about keeping you safe. You’re a military doctor. You’ve seen plenty of death. I assumed you would just move on. You were always so clinical and practical when we dealt with dead bodies.”

My eyes soften, seeing how child-like he really is. Recognizing emotions has never been his talent. 

“Sherlock! How could you think that? That I could just…. I mean, god! Here you are. Really, I couldn’t be happier. I just feel so useless and ridiculous. Like the last two years were a waste.” I swallow. Look at him. “I wish I’d known. Sooner.”

“Why sooner? What difference would that make?” he looks confused.

“Mary. I mean, no.” I take another deep breath. Careful John. Your heart is showing. “Just that I wouldn’t have spent so long being… ”

“Oh.” He cuts me off. “Wait. I don’t understand. What’s Mary got to do with this now?”

“Sherlock even you can’t be that stupid can you?” I stop and take a moment to really look at this man I used to know so well. I thought I knew so well. This man that could deduce anyone. He really didn’t know. 

“It doesn’t matter. Never mind.” I say dismissively trying to move on from this uncomfortable conversation.

“No really, I need to know now.”

“No Sherlock, really, it’s ok. I should be going anyway.”

“Going?” He was incredulous. He never got the social cues for awkward situations. I almost smile at his lack of understanding and tact.

“Yes going. Back home. To Mary. Look, I think we can agree we’ve sorted this for now. I’m glad you are back. That you are alive. Really I am. I’m sorry I attacked you - at the restaurant. I was just so shocked.”

“Ok…. if you are sure. John I am sorry. I really didn’t think…”

“It’s fine.” I interrupt to reassure him before he can discuss it more. Always avoiding the emotional and awkward conversations. 

As I stand to go, my shoe catches a wrinkle in the rug between our chairs and I fall towards him. He grabs me tightly by the arms so I don’t fall and for a brief moment we both look at each other. Surely he feels that? Surely he can see into me the way he reads so many others perfectly. How could he not know?

“John? I…”

We are both so close. I can feel his breath on my face and he is looking straight into my eyes, and then I see it. The moment he realizes. In that moment of realization, his eyebrows raise as if he has woken up for the first time and a tear starts to form in my eye. God I’d missed staring into those eyes. How relieved I was he was alive. He was here, for me again and suddenly two years of angst melt away. All thoughts of Mary gone. We both move forward in sync as if it was something we had done a thousand times before and our lips touch. It is the most magnificent feeling. Lips to lips, warmer than I imagined it would be. So gentle. He is so gentle and tentative in a way I never expected from someone so confident in everything else he does. He lets me take the lead. As our lips meet he helps me get my feet back under me, even though it feels like the ground is moving. All time stands still as our lips part more and we sink into a slow dreamy kiss allowing our tongues to explore each other. In that moment I can almost feel my heart healing itself. He sighs like he has not relaxed in years either and I run my fingers up into his hair and pull him harder to me. His arms circle my back and grab hold. When the kiss ends we hold each other there for what feels like an age.

A slow shy smile starts to form on his lips. “John I thought you said you weren’t … you always said…”

“And you said you don't do distractions or attachments so…” I say defensively.

“John” he says scolding. “That was the second day I’d known you. Surely you didn’t remember that and ignore everything I did and said after? Did you? I just assumed… you kept ensuring everyone knew we weren’t…”

“I know. I didn’t know – I didn’t want you to get rid of me when everyone thought we were a thing. And I wasn’t… I haven’t… It was just you. It’s always been just you. When I thought I’d lost you, it all sort of… well, became clear. But it was too late. At least I thought it was.” I can’t stop the flow of tears that start and the crack in my voice. It’s so humiliating. I really hadn’t wanted him to see this. For anyone to see this, especially him.

“John?”

“Sorry, it’s nothing” I clear my throat awkwardly and wipe my tears quickly away. “I’m just so relieved you’re ok. That you’re here. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath since I saw you.”

“Yes, I am. I am here.” He smiles his charming smile again. He pulls me in for a hug. The first proper hug we have ever shared. It’s slightly awkward but something in my chest still spreads a warmth over me. The overwhelming feeling that everything has been clenched and held tight up until this moment and is suddenly being freed. Some more tears escape and a small sob and I feel his shoulders and chest move from a small chuckle. 

“I don’t know what came over me.” I laugh as I straighten myself up and wipe my face.

“I’d be happy if it came over you again” he says flirtatiously. God he has never looked at me quite like that before! And I like it. 

“What happened to being married to your work?”

Sherlock clears his throat. “Yes well, it turns out that I’m not right about everything.”

“Shocking” I tease.

We lean in again for another kiss. 

In his arms, I suddenly feel whole. I know now my detective is where I want him - with me. How it was always supposed to be. Everything in the world is right again.


End file.
